I am a wife, a mother, a daughter of the highest king, a friend, a leader. I AM. These are my truths.
About 3 days ago I flew to Chapel Hill North Carolina feeling broken, burdened, anxious, inadequate, overwhelmed, lonely, lost, lacking, worried, hurried, stuck and so much more, I came here seeking confidence. The Kind of belief in myself that my husband and other have in me but yet I didn’t have in myself.
For so long I believed in the lies that I told myself that were nothing short of the enemy seeing my vulnerability and using it to drag me down. The lies of not being good enough at much of anything. Not a good enough mother, not a good enough wife, leader, friend, servant. I wasn’t measuring up to all the things and the people that I had labeled as a definition of what I needed to be to be ENOUGH. To be Successful. I take ownership for that.
I had turned to food for comfort. I would binge eat on whatever made me feel satisfied until I physically felt Ill. My health both mentally and physically began to take a downward spiral. Then I hated myself for how I felt. I started to look at the person I was in the mirror and not like what I saw, mostly because I felt like I was living a lie. I am supposed to be the image of success, a happy and healthy fulfilled life, and mine was slipping further and further away from that every day. So I committed to doing a 3 Day Refresh cleanse while I was traveling. At first I thought that is was poor planning on my part but it turned into the biggest blessing. More about that later but here is a sneak peak into what I ate while I was there:
I had no reason at all to be unhappy. I look back now and I see how much I do have and how I took it for granted, including my family. My husband and my children. Our home and the life of financial freedom that we have built. I was so distracted by the addiction to the hustle and to striving that I didn’t see the blessings that were right in front of my face.
I spent the last 2 days deeply immersed in self discovery, uncovering and defining MY “messiness” that is in my life. I handed my phone over the very first morning right after I sent out the emergency contact info and I panicked. It felt like an extension of myself had been removed. I keep reached for it out of habit. And I realized at that moment how much I rely on my phone. But WHY?
We dug DEEPER into this process of self discovery and I ugly cried. I hugged and loved a lot. I opened up more to complete strangers, who I surprisingly felt like I knew for a lifetime, about the emotions and lies that I had let consume me for so long. The lies that had me completely closed off and hiding behind a computer and phone screen. They loved me through the discovery of it all, no matter what was said. No judgment. God was redefining my heart.
I realized that night that I was hiding behind the screens because I really crave relationships. TRUE meaningful relationships. I crave validation and was really numbing myself from the reality of truths in life. It ultimately keep me from seeing myself or letting other people see me for who I am out of fear of rejection and persecution.
I realized that I had been molded into this robot of a person who was programmed to think that I had to do things a certain way to be able to achieve success. I had been blinded to the sight of my own children and husband by the glare of a computer or phone screen. I had tuned out the joy that comes from their little voices because I was to busy doing things that ultimately could wait until later or don’t matter in MY BIG PICTURE. In my vision of where I want to be when I am 80 years old. I decided to say NO to the words “as soon as I am done with”…
My “IT” of what I wanted to make happen was learning to put the phone down and close the computer screen so I can LOOK into the eyes of others and truly HEAR them. IT is to experience TRUE relationships that I was so desperately craving. IT means spending intentional time in the space you are in with the people who are in it with you.
Monday was one of the most emotionally draining days of my life yet so completely freeing at the same time. I uncovered so much more than I could ever put into a blog post, it feels more like a book. I wasn’t given answers or a solution. We spent the evening sitting in the messiness together.
The next morning I woke up feeling physically and emotionally LIGHTER . I has this sense of FREEDOM. Like a weight had been lifted. I put my lies and truths out there for you to see and it took away my burden that I had been carrying. I handed over my phone and felt oddly excited about giving it up, to the point where I honestly didn’t want to take it back. We dove in to more discovery. This time we would be discovering our CORE values, purpose and beliefs. Our Dreams and Goals big and small. We created an action plan for myself so that I could begin to see that light shining through all the dirt that I had piled on top of myself as I dug myself into this whole.
When the workshop came to a close I stood up and said with conviction in my heart that I AM strong, confident, capable, beautiful, worthy, and ENOUGH.
I feel like a just sleuthed off all that burden and baggage I was carrying and I feel renewed in mind body and spirit. I think doing the 3 day refresh during this time was perfect planning by God. I was well prepared and my mind was so preoccupied that I didn’t have time to think about cravings. I wasn’t tempted by the things around me and other supported me and helped me stay accountable. I feel incredible from the inside out. It was never about the weight or even really how I looked. It was 100% about how I FEEL. It was worth it.
I have this clear vision of WHAT steps I need to take, little by little, so that I can live out my ideal day and have it be my reality. So that I can work towards those goals that will get me to where I see myself when I am 80.
I am excited to put the phone down and look up. To learn to love the airplane mode on my phone and to buy a real alarm clock. I am excited to spend 100% undivided time with my children, friends and family where I don’t feel the need to document every moment but instead to make the memories and be present in the moments of here and now. I am excited to make my house a home, and to better organize my business and my time. I am excited to make CHANGE happen.
I owe it all to this woman who had the courage to share her story and be vulnerable. And To God for directing me to her book. Making It Happen. I am so blessed to have her not only as a mentor but as a friend. Thank you Lara Casey <3
It has been only a few hours since I left a room full of women all circled around LOVING on each other, laughing, crying ugly tears of JOY & HOPE, Praying over one another in what I believe to have been one of the most divine moments of my life to date. We all could feel the blanket of HIS presence just cover us all and bring us closer together as His daughters and as sisters.
Since then I have not been able to sleep. Remembering my action steps and my “IT”, I packed my bags, set them by the door, closed my eyes and relived each moment and memory. I visualized my CORE and and I read over my notes that I had written while in discovery.
So Let me tell you this amazing kinda crazy story:
I got up and went downstairs to meet my Uber driver at 3:30 in the a.m. I made a conscious decision to put my phone in my bag and actually have a conversation with the man who so graciously came to take me to the airport, oh so early.
It is amazing the things that can happen when we take a moment to stop and LISTEN to what other people have to say when we ask QUESTIONS. To pour into other people even when you don’t know them. The littlest things make such a big difference in people’s day and maybe their lives when stop and take the time to focus on Relationships and not the “dinging” of the notification on our phones. We will never now the power of a simple hello, a high five, or a compliment if we never give them because we aren’t looking up.
Harry is a man who I could hear in his voice was meant for more in his life. That He wanted more out of life when I simply asked, “If you could be or do anything you wanted in life what would it be? No limitations. Anything. What are you passionate about?” I know that sounds deep but who wants to just have small talk? I want to get to the nitty gritty in life. I want to know about your CORE and your DIRT.
Harry walked away from that Short 30 minute ride to the airport feeling like someone believed in him and like he was meant to do great things. I could feel and sense in him at first that he was trapped inside his identity box that kept him from seeing his big picture and thinking that he was capable of more than what he has always done for many years because it is what is comfy.
Maybe he wasn’t sure how to make this vision a reality but his wheels were definitely turning. God Spoke to me in that moment and Gave me the words and the means to bless his life and walk away.
Harry changed ME today. Our conversation mattered to ME maybe even more than it mattered to him. I know it mattered because this was the text I received as I was getting on the plane:
CHILLS! I wasn’t looking to make an impact. I was just having a conversation because I made the decision to not sit in awkward silence and ignore the other person while I scrolled the newsfeed that does nothing but make me feel like I am less than. I realize that you don’t have to be “big time” to make a difference in someone’s life or to be a person of influence. Maybe Harry will go home today and never take those fist steps or those little steps toward doing what he was meant to do in this life but I sincerely hope and pray that he does.
To me…moments like that are what this life is all about. It is about creating a RELATIONSHIP (even just for a brief moment) and making someone’s day. It is about giving kindness and LOVE in an undistracted and undivided manner. It is about FILLING UP one another so that we can POUR OUT over others. Its about seeing someone light up inside and SMILE.
Make Time for your phone and your work BUT, work with intention. When you are looking for your IT in life it is simple. IT is quite simply “Intentional Time”. What do YOU want to spend intentional time on in your life. What Fires you UP? Don’t let hustle keep you from using your time intentionally and living your life ON PURPOSE!
“You are most satisfied with your day when you match what you value with how you spend your time”. –Unknown (Matt Something)
Thanks for Reading,