Usually I wake up in the morning, Grab my warm water w/lemon and my Book. I read my 1 chapter and then do my daily devotional. This morning I couldn’t focus because I just have a lot on my heart and on my mind. I have taken a little step back from the social media lately because I found myself slipping back to where I was 16 months ago. Even though things on the outside look amazing…and they are, the emotions on the inside are getting the best of me. I was starting to feel lost, alone, super critical of myself, questioning every aspect of my life, and just not really able to talk myself through the negative emotions and stay focused on the positive. Since I am usually ALWAYS able to focus on the positive and just move forward I was afraid of what other people would think of me if I spoke about all the things that I was allowing to bring me down. But then I thought. What do I have to hide? Nothing. Absolutely Nothing. So without ALL the nitty gritty details, here we go…
With the daily stresses, my marriage and my relationships with friends and Jesus all start to suffer. I neglect those relationships when I should be turning to them. I let the move to Texas and my distance from my family, friends, help with the kids and my homesick heart slowly bring me into a depressed mindset. We have made friends here but I never ask for help and which I need to do. I just haven’t allowed myself to step out and really get connected here. We do things but I have been holding back and I am not sure why.
Even though we are doing very well now financially we still live with a mind set to save and be cautious with money. It is a good thing because we seem to pay off all our debt and then the next surprise bill comes in the mail. LOL. Such is life. We all live with that right? Again this is another reason I am so Blessed to have the opportunity I have with my business so that I can just pay it all off when it comes. I have conditioned myself to just wait for that next surprise bill even though I have that emergency fund and I really shouldn’t worrying. It keeps me from delegating out the things that I probably should to take some of the pressure of myself.
During the week I spend very little time with anyone else aside from the kids and it makes things hard for me when it comes to that balance in making it ALL work together so the day feels like a success. Oh and lets not forget the household chores and to do’s. It is that balance I was talking about before. I shut down and keep things inside rather than just open up. I know it is because I just don’t want to feel embarrassed or like I can’t handle it all. I have always been able to handle it so why now am I letting it all get to me? I get so irritated so fast. I feel like I am not good enough. I start to question myself, my faith. I start to pick things apart in little details and am just a moody hot mess.
This morning I woke up thinking about ALL the little details and things that have been weighing on my mind and I thought to myself…What is wrong with you? NOTHING! Absolutely NOTHING! I am healthy, my family is healthy, my life is really AMAZING. My “Stuff” is normal everyday stuff so why do I let my emotions attack me like this. Why am I so hard on myself? There are people going through so much pain and suffering so why am I complaining?
The truth is that I am sure that we ALL go through things like this and most likely this is how most days sound for most people. I just have to be more efficient in the things I do. I have to create my own sunshine. I have to DECIDE how my mindset is going to be. I CAN create my own happiness or my own hell. I choose happiness. I DECIDE to let go of the worry and give it ALL to God. Let Him do the worrying for me and let Him take control. I just have to remain true to person that I was created to be and not be afraid to share my feelings and my thoughts with other people in fear of being criticized. Instead I choose to share so that I can receive the help and support that I need and to also GIVE help and support to others. Ultimately so that I can Grow and we can all grow together.
I help other people, for a living, learn how to create their own happiness. So I am starting today. “Flipping the Switch”. I am going to use accountability for myself in the areas of my life that I need help. Accountability is key. I agree to not take on so much. To learn to say no to things that I honestly just can’t balance. I will only take on things that fall in line with my priorities in life which are my Family & Faith first. I will set more goals to reflect my priorities and how I can be a better version of myself in all aspects. It may mean that I have to make sacrifices and that some things may seem like failures but I have to be okay with that. After all I am starting to that when things seem to be falling apart…they are actually falling together.
I am writing this today because I hope that it helps even just one person out there to stop being so hard on themselves and to help you CREATE YOUR OWN SUNSHINE! Take control. Reevaluate and ask for help. I want to create a small group for any of us that feel like this so that we can have accountability to ourselves for 30 days to do a PUSH to get our lives back on track. We can hold each other accountable for our faith (whatever it may be), our schedules, fitness, etc. We can all work together to Bring back the inner smiles to reflect the one that we show to everyone on the outside. I am starting TODAY. Does any of this sound like you? Do you want accountability too?